


Saudade

by Armenis



Category: Doctor Who, Doctor Who (1963)
Genre: First Kiss, Hugs, M/M, Serial: s050 The War Games, the last ep wasn't dramatic enough for me so here I am
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-24
Updated: 2018-07-24
Packaged: 2019-06-15 16:07:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,416
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15416625
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Armenis/pseuds/Armenis
Summary: He didn't want to forget, didn't want to be forgotten-Neither of them did, yet they needed to.Or: A rewriting of Jamie and Zoe's departure at the end of The War Games.





	Saudade

The Doctor shyly moved his gaze in Zoe’s direction. The realization that all of this was soon to be wiped out from her memory clouded her vision, her eyes the only hint of emotion she was willing to put on display in front of the other Time Lords. She refused to let her body react to the cold shiver their verdict had sent down her spine. She looked at the Doctor, searching for that glitter in his eyes which showed up every time he had a plan, an ace up his sleeve, ready to turn the odds in their favour. What she saw, however, was a tired, tiny, sad man, the very incarnation of defeat.

Understanding that, the girl let go of her hope with a heavy sigh, the puff of air amalgamating immediately with the oxygen of the room. 

“Goodbye, Doctor. Will we ever meet again?”,Zoe said, forcing herself to smile. She just wanted to get it over with- what was the point of delaying the inevitable, after all?-, keep it all short and sweet and save tears that she knew, she felt will emerge if she stayed there a second longer.

 

It wasn't the first ( _ nor the last _ , he bitterly reminded himself) time he had to do this, saying farewell to a friend he knew would never come back to. The difference lay in the cruelty of it - never before were his companions forced to leave his side; their departure was never rushed, leaving the TARDIS just as easily as they stepped into it for the very first time. The very notion of letting yourself be lead by someone else’s judgement made his renegade self throb with anger, feeling caged, unable to rebel. The wiser part of himself surprisingly managed to reign over his instinctual defiance, reminding him how this was an inevitable end to his running away.

Submission. Defeat.

Excruciatingly cruel and comforting.

_ But why toy with them? _

_ Why? _

 

He hugged her. Once her head rested on his chest with a muffled sob, the Doctor doubted the wisdom of his gesture, as Zoe crying was at the very bottom on his checklist. If this ordeal was taking a toll on him, he didn't dare imagine how it must be for her. Nevertheless, no better alternative was in sight- hadn't he requested the help of his own people, he would've watched a whole galaxy burn down in the flames of war.

As he gently patted her head, a moment of peace he was allowed to enjoy after the madness of his last ( _ my very last _ ) adventure, he thought he might be able move on and forget. Forget their cruelty and eventually forgive as well. He would try to banish all from memory, for their sake, if not for his own. 

 

…But then he looked at Jamie, and remembered how he couldn't.

 

The Doctor wasn't sure when Zoe let go of him, so disarmed by the eyes once lit with hope, fire and passion now covered in fog.

Jamie - a man of the far past, knowing nothing but the battlefield and the sound of bagpipes until he hopped into the TARDIS. As if to contradict any expectations he might've had about the boy fished out from the 18th century, Jamie showed him again and again how undeniably clever he really was, his inquisitiveness and ability to adapt downright impressive when faced with otherworldly eccentricities. The marvel written on his face at every alien planet, at the future he never even thought possible, at the often incomprehensible infinity of the universe only managed to captivate and mystify the Time Lord.

 

Running from Yeti, Cybermen, and many other foes.

Arms around each other's shoulders.

Stories told and then forgotten in the dimly lit console room, humming machinery, a midnight made out of gadgetry.

Knowing smiles and roaring laughter.

Bagpipes and recorder concerts, Victoria's nightmare come to life.

 

Such joy, loyalty and…

And...

_ No. Most likely not. _

_ I never dared to think at the possibility, and wouldn't be much use now. _

_ I wouldn't do that to him. _

Jamie dragged his feet as he walked past the Time Lords and stopped in front of the Doctor, shaking his extended hand vigorously.

 

"Goodbye, Jamie, I...I'm so, so sorry-"

"You needn't be, Doctor. You really needn't." 

The next instant he had his arms around the older man,his face buried in his coat, an embrace so powerful it could crush ribs, desperate, saying words that neither of them had the courage to let escape their lips. Once the two separated they were still holding each other's hands, neither of them knowing how their fingers ended up interlinked in the other's.

“I won’t forget you, you know”.The young man seemed to be as tongue-tied as he was, wanting to say more, trying to find words strong enough to express how much he adored the man in front of him, but realized quickly that no dictionary could help translate the avalanche of emotion that ran through his mind. Lost in his own thoughts, the fading of the Doctor's touch was the only thing that brought him back to the present.

 

He didn't want to forget, didn't want to be forgotten-

Neither of them did, yet they needed to.

 

Raising one hand to cup the Doctor's face, Jamie crushed his lips against the other man’s. Damned be the Time Lords, damned be their laws and the nerve to punish him, punish all of them, when everything they've done was in the best interest of the universe they adored observing from afar. The rush of hate boiling in his chest only made Jamie risk it even more, to deepen the kiss, to move his hand and place it at the nape of the Doctor’s neck, tracing little circles on the skin with his thumb, to suck on lips infuriatingly soft and excitingly wanting. When he felt the older man's lips starting to move against his, so slowly, so desperately hungry for more of this, for more  _ time _ , the pleasant weight of hands grabbing his hips, pulling him closer to his body, Jamie could swear that the universe itself stopped around them, as if this desperate, postponed-to-hell need had the power to defy all logic and sense.

 

And in a way, it really did, the very thought making Jamie smile as he pulled away, giving both of them the chance to breathe. The rush of adrenaline made his eyes sparkle, the blood running through his veins feeling like what he could only describe as liquid electricity.

 

Excited, satisfied, he couldn’t help but smirk as he glanced over the Doctor’s shoulder. The Time Lords most likely looked the other way during their shameless display of...affection, which but nonetheless managed to crumble their dominating air, irritation and simple awkwardness covering their features. A small victory.

Another small, yet more important victory, was the sight of crystal blue eyes, full of surprise and something indescribably darker (want? regret?), of slightly parted lips, a picture framed by dark, ruffled hair.

The first word he managed to say was his name ( _ Jamie, oh dear _ ), so breathless, and Jamie mentally cursed himself for being stupid, for not making this step sooner, for not knowing how to make it. He lowered his head, looking at the white, sterile floor.   
“What a way to end the show,” the Doctor quipped. He patted his shoulder lightly and continued, “Enjoyable, but quite unexpected.”

"I won't remember a thing, now will I?" Jamie raised his head, looking at the Doctor, dark eyes twinkling. "This way I've made sure you'd never forget me. That'd be even worse, don't you think?" 

The sincerity with which he replied played hell with the Doctor's hearts.

"I shall remember you always, my dear Jamie. I won’t forget you". He managed to give the boy a small smile, as he couldn't force the corners of his mouth up any higher.

“I think it’s time,” one of the Time Lords announced in a somewhat gentle tone.

Zoe was already at the door of the spacecraft, waiting for Jamie to join her. Both one step inside the SIDRAT, they waved at the Doctor. 

"Goodbye," said Zoe, quickly disappearing into the depths of the spacecraft.

"See you soo- Goodbye, Doctor," stammered Jamie, getting in after her. 

With a small thud, the door closed, the two humans leaving Gallifrey and the renegade Time Lord behind.

 

They will not remember neither the planet nor the Time Lord.

A dream disappears in the morning light.

  
  
  


**Author's Note:**

> This fic marks a couple of firsts for me: this is the first time I post any of my work online (hooray!) and the first fic I write for the Doctor Who fandom;I've been lurking for ages, but never before have I contributed to this amazing community.  
> English is not my first language, so if you spot any grammatical errors please message me!
> 
> Thank you for reading!  
> -AD


End file.
